Showing Up - Part 2

I am currently caught up in various blogs and books, and I'm seeing a running theme through all of them...not showing up.  I'm going to try and walk a fine line.  Follow me if you will.  It seems that a lot of mothers I know (including myself) will hit a "hard" time of it and then write off that time thinking it's ok.  This is hard to explain.  Let me give an example.  When we've had a pretty busy day, and we come home with enough time to make something for dinner, and instead I say,"I'm too tired.  Let's get MacDonalds."  Then I talk myself out of the guilt by saying things like,"You have cancer.  It's this one time.  Four kids is hard.  I hardly got any sleep last night," and the other myriad of excuses I say to shove the guilt down.  

I am NOT saying that people don't have a right to these days, but me, myself, and I have a tendency towards slothfulness.  If I get on a roll, I can get pretty busy being unproductive.  I notice that it starts with my little excuses, and trust me when I say, it's VERY easy to pull the cancer card out whenever I "need" it.  It's kind of like drinking a Diet Pepsi.  I logic myself into thinking I can have one (read: deserve one) and when that goes well, it slowly progresses into having more than one a day.

I am right with you in the thinking that sometimes taking care of myself needs to be number one.  My counselor calls it the "Do No Harm" approach.  If I can't get a grip at least do no harm.  It's those times when I don't even try because it's "too" hard.  I pull from my ledger of excuses and justify it.  These are some commonly used ones...

•  I should be cleaning, but I did the dishes so I'm good.  I can do more.  Instead I end up complaining about whatever I didn't clean later.  I feel guilty because it would've be done by now.  I used to do this all the time when I was in school.  I would fake being sick, so I wouldn't have to do a presentation.  Then the next day while I'm lying in bed watching A Wedding Story I would inevitably think how I would've been done with my presentation.  And then I would dread it for another whole day.  I think Kaelyn might have inherited some of this thinking.  Doing hard = doing something productive
• We've had a busy day.  I'll just let the kids play electronics for a half hour, so I can zone out on the computer too.  I am a firm believer in no electronics for a while before bed.  What's the alternative?  Playing cards, Clue, Coloring, Drawing, Legos...all fine things for kids, but all things they want ME/US to do with them.  And most times sometimes I don't want to.  My parents didn't play with me every night.  I had a sister.  Then I get the parenting guilt, and I end up playing with them. Sometimes I don't show up.  Sometimes I can't show up.  Sometimes it's a Do No Harm night.  But when it's just me not wanting to for the sake of wanting to escape something myself...that's not cool.  Doing hard = showing up
• I'm not going to volunteer for Vacation Bible School because I have cancer.  It's something I've thought.  For real!  You can change that first sentence to anything and keep the reason the same.  Poor, poor me.  It's easy to get down in the dumps and excuse yourself from life especially with such a great reason.  In the end the guilt always wins.  Doing hard = DO

There are numerous other examples that I can use, but seriously, most times the answer is to just do it.  I know it.  You know it. Nike knows it.  It's hard.  It's sucks.  But this is what we're being called to.  This is our vocation from God at this point in our lives.  Wherever you are whether you have one kid, twenty, or none is where God wants you.  Your trials, your problems, your joys are YOURS.  Do something.  What's that quote about wishing God didn't trust you so much?  So True!  I want to complain and moan and pull out my excuses.  Anything and everything to numb me with very good reasons, but I ABC.  I'm aware that I'm like this.  I breathe through it, and I choose to show up.  Choosing to show up is the hard part.  Once you've done that, the actual showing up is a breeze.