What's Happening, Hot Stuff?

I saw a quote on Pinterest that says, "I speak in movie lines."  This fits me.  This title doesn't really work without an asian accent.  It's from Sixteen Candles.  Long Duck Dong says it.  Just saying that name makes me smile.  Try it.  ;)

Here are some happenings with me.  I know I just did a daybook post, but so what.  Here we go...

• I am thinking about quitting Thirty-One.  I said it.  I'm waiting for God to give me a burning bush answer on this one, but so far nada.  It's gotten to the point where I have to care about my numbers.  It's not fun when it becomes about numbers.  I've tried turning it around, and it's not working.  I have a party coming up that I'm hoping will be successful.  I'm hoping that will spark something again.  It pains me to be thinking about this because I've gained SO MUCH from it.  Plus, the lady I'm under doesn't benefit from me quitting either.  She needs my numbers, and we have become really good friends.  It just S.U.C.K.S.
• I am thinking about quitting Carmel.  Well, not quitting but not joining when the time comes.  I don't know what it is.  I feel like we've had a lot of things throw at us these past couple of years and I need to regroup and focus on the family.  Considering that I'm supposed to be discerning Carmel, I guess I'm right where I'm supposed to be with it.
• Chemo is starting up this week.  I got another grant that will keep me on the schedule the doc wanted me on to begin with...the one we couldn't afford, so this grant helps.  I don't know how I feel about it yet.  I kind of don't want to do it at all anymore.  Then again, if it's going to help...
• I'm sick of being sick.  I have other issues happening where I'm having to think about another surgery.  This one would be elective to a point.  I'm not ready to talk about it, but if you ever find yourself in a praying mood, I'd appreciate whatever you could throw my way.  For Nora!
• No one warned me about the terrible tens.  I had only ever heard about the terrible twos.  I'm worried about Rory.  I'm hearing her emotional state and everything going on with her is normal for her age, but no one's telling me how to get through it.  I don't remember being this way at ten.  I waited until I was twelve.  :D
• I really hate feeling like a parenting failure every day of my life.  Does anyone else have this problem?  Is it just me?  I think I need to start implementing my counselor's ABC method.

A.  Awareness (I'm getting really good at this one)
B. Breathe (Really trying to focus on this)

C. Choose (Making a choice is the hard part.  We're so conditioned in certain ways of reacting.  It's really hard to break that cycle.)  

Let me give you an example of how this all works.

Kaelyn asks me to go somewhere or do something.  She has not completed the chores that need done before she leaves.  I am aware of my heart palpitating and my breathing getting shallow.  Hey!  There's the breathing part and I didn't even realize it.  Here is where I would focus on my breathing and try to regulate it to stop my adrenaline.  Then I make a conscious choice to not engage but simply explain what needs to be done in order for her to go.  When she backtalks and disrespects to try and get her way, I'm aware of it, breathe through it and calmly repeat what's required for her to go.  Rinse and repeat.

And that's how I would like it to go.  I normally don't get to the breathing part because she triggers me with her disrespect.  I think it's because when I was growing up, you didn't even THINK about disrespecting your parents.  And it's hard not to feel like a failure of a parent when your kids disrespect you.  Aren't you supposed to be teaching them not to do that?  So obviously I've dropped that ball along with the back talk one.  *sigh*  Then after I engage in the fight and think about it, I decide that I'm going to be compassionate and forgiving like Jesus because then it will teach her compassion and forgiveness, but really all it does is make me feel like a doormat.  And that is a long ramble on my daily struggle.  On that crazy note...here's a picture to divert your attention from my uneasiness.

I can't make this go right side up.  It makes more sense sideways though after this post, doesn't it?