What's my Thang?

I feel like a lot of my blogs start with me reading other blogs that make me think.  I was reading this blog from Momastery, and it got me scared...and thinking.  I don't have a thing.  

I'm supposed to focus on something I'm good at and that I feel good doing.  Here's the problem...(whispering) I'm not really good at anything.  I mean, I have things that I do well.  I'm not trying to say that I'm not good at anything, but I'm not particularly good at any one thing.  Clear as mud?  

I have to admit that this has really been bothering me since I read it.  I'm not looking for my two commenters to call out a bunch of things I'm good at either.  I'm serious.  If someone told me that they would pay me millions doing something that I love and that I'm good at...nothing comes to mind except watching TV and pinning things.  

Oh well, enough of my sad story for this evening.  Here are some pictures of how Mufasa (my hair) is doing.  Sometimes it looks its best at night when I'm going to bed.  Of course you guys don't get to see that, so I took pics, so you could.  You're welcome!

 Well, I can't change it from being sideways.  It makes me so mad!  The End!

Quick Takes Friday

1. Kevin flossed his teeth this past weekend to get some popcorn out, and instead took out some of his tooth.  He had to get a crown on Monday.  We pay 50% of that bill.  Do the math.
2. Logan has been complaining about one of his pirate (silver capped) teeth.  After a week and a half, I figured I should take him in since it was still hurting.  He got that pulled today.  No fee for the pulling since they did the work to begin with, but we paid the Nitrates Oxide 100%.
3. Kevin car blew up on the highway yesterday.  Luckily he made it to the side of the road before it died.  It's at the dealership being evaluated by the warranty people to see if they'll cover whatever is wrong with it.  Kevin says it needs a new engine.
4. I'm hoping that's it.  If things happen in threes, we're done, right?  
5. I was doing religion with Rory a couple days ago.  We were reading My Path To Heaven and discussing choosing right from wrong.  I don't know what came over me, but I looked at her and told her that no matter what she chose in life, right or wrong, I would love her no matter what.  She started to cry.  I told her how beautifully made and important she was, how I always had her back...and dad too, how she was going to make mistakes, and that was ok...I would still love her.  We hugged and cried for a while.  It was a bittersweet moment.  I loved how it happened, but I was upset to see how much she needs to hear those words from me more often.  
6. I went to my counselor tonight.  I normally vomit all the things I feel I'm doing wrong (LOOK!  That's healing right there!  I would normally say, "all the things I'm doing wrong" but instead I said, "all the things I FEEL I'm doing wrong.")  Anyway, she takes the last ten minutes or so of the appointment and asks me what I'm doing right.  I think I might make this a daily practice.  It's a good note to end on.
7. I have done school EVERY DAY THIS WEEK SO FAR.  Only tomorrow to go, and that might not happen because I have to bake a lot.  When I say I've done school every day, it doesn't mean it hasn't happened before.  I normally do some school every day, BUT I did all the school we have to do EVERY DAY.  Normally something always falls to the wayside, and yes, we are on our shortened summer schedule.  Yes, that's means four-five things for Rory, and two-three things for Logan.  Yes, that is not including anything structured for Marley.  Ok, forget it.  Good feeling gone. (name that movie)

Happy Father's Day weekend!  We have a baptism, down to my parents, and then Kevin's parent's on Sunday this weekend.  Good times!  

Wordless Wednesday

Showing Up - Part 2

I am currently caught up in various blogs and books, and I'm seeing a running theme through all of them...not showing up.  I'm going to try and walk a fine line.  Follow me if you will.  It seems that a lot of mothers I know (including myself) will hit a "hard" time of it and then write off that time thinking it's ok.  This is hard to explain.  Let me give an example.  When we've had a pretty busy day, and we come home with enough time to make something for dinner, and instead I say,"I'm too tired.  Let's get MacDonalds."  Then I talk myself out of the guilt by saying things like,"You have cancer.  It's this one time.  Four kids is hard.  I hardly got any sleep last night," and the other myriad of excuses I say to shove the guilt down.  

I am NOT saying that people don't have a right to these days, but me, myself, and I have a tendency towards slothfulness.  If I get on a roll, I can get pretty busy being unproductive.  I notice that it starts with my little excuses, and trust me when I say, it's VERY easy to pull the cancer card out whenever I "need" it.  It's kind of like drinking a Diet Pepsi.  I logic myself into thinking I can have one (read: deserve one) and when that goes well, it slowly progresses into having more than one a day.

I am right with you in the thinking that sometimes taking care of myself needs to be number one.  My counselor calls it the "Do No Harm" approach.  If I can't get a grip at least do no harm.  It's those times when I don't even try because it's "too" hard.  I pull from my ledger of excuses and justify it.  These are some commonly used ones...

•  I should be cleaning, but I did the dishes so I'm good.  I can do more.  Instead I end up complaining about whatever I didn't clean later.  I feel guilty because it would've be done by now.  I used to do this all the time when I was in school.  I would fake being sick, so I wouldn't have to do a presentation.  Then the next day while I'm lying in bed watching A Wedding Story I would inevitably think how I would've been done with my presentation.  And then I would dread it for another whole day.  I think Kaelyn might have inherited some of this thinking.  Doing hard = doing something productive
• We've had a busy day.  I'll just let the kids play electronics for a half hour, so I can zone out on the computer too.  I am a firm believer in no electronics for a while before bed.  What's the alternative?  Playing cards, Clue, Coloring, Drawing, Legos...all fine things for kids, but all things they want ME/US to do with them.  And most times sometimes I don't want to.  My parents didn't play with me every night.  I had a sister.  Then I get the parenting guilt, and I end up playing with them. Sometimes I don't show up.  Sometimes I can't show up.  Sometimes it's a Do No Harm night.  But when it's just me not wanting to for the sake of wanting to escape something myself...that's not cool.  Doing hard = showing up
• I'm not going to volunteer for Vacation Bible School because I have cancer.  It's something I've thought.  For real!  You can change that first sentence to anything and keep the reason the same.  Poor, poor me.  It's easy to get down in the dumps and excuse yourself from life especially with such a great reason.  In the end the guilt always wins.  Doing hard = DO

There are numerous other examples that I can use, but seriously, most times the answer is to just do it.  I know it.  You know it. Nike knows it.  It's hard.  It's sucks.  But this is what we're being called to.  This is our vocation from God at this point in our lives.  Wherever you are whether you have one kid, twenty, or none is where God wants you.  Your trials, your problems, your joys are YOURS.  Do something.  What's that quote about wishing God didn't trust you so much?  So True!  I want to complain and moan and pull out my excuses.  Anything and everything to numb me with very good reasons, but I ABC.  I'm aware that I'm like this.  I breathe through it, and I choose to show up.  Choosing to show up is the hard part.  Once you've done that, the actual showing up is a breeze.    

Quick Takes Friday

1. About my Wordless Wednesday post, let me splain something to you.  I went to a homeschool seminar a couple months ago, and the lady giving the talk explained that God gave her a microwave and a crock-pot for her first two children.  The microwave child did everything fast but produced shabby work.  While the crock-pot child took FOREVER to do anything but had great work.  I have determined that Logan is my crock-pot child.  He does nothing fast...except run to play an electronic, which I am not happy to admit.  He will draw a whole battle scene on his math page before he even notices number 1.  It.drives.me.crazy.  Rory is my microwave child.  She finishes everything at super speed whether she understands it or not.  I have to be on the ball of checking everything of hers right when she's done because half the time she doesn't read the directions and just writes something down thinking I'll take a gander and that's it.  Sometimes she gets away with it.  So if those two are the microwave and crock-pot, you're probably wondering what Kaelyn and Marley are?  Pressure cookers.  Kaelyn waits until the last minute to do anything and then explodes to get it done.  I don't know if Marley's that way, but she has the exploding part down.  
2. My living room is coming along nicely.  We now have pillows that are a matching blue to the ottoman and rug.  It's hard to explain, but I think it looks good, and the designer friend does too.  We still haven't painted.  This week's weather would've been perfect, but I couldn't pull it off.  
3. Chemo went really well on Friday.  It was the smoothest it's ever gone.  I don't know what it is, but I think we're just into a groove and know what works.  We also have our chemo traditions which include Fritos and Diet Coke (which will be changing since I'm off sodas) and Chick-Fil-A on the way home.  I don't know how those got started, but I do feel a little bad about snacking on bad food like Fritos when everyone else has almonds and healthy snacks.  The nurse even commented on my healthy snack of almonds on Friday which made it worse that I still had the Fritos and soda too.  She did say that some people were bringing in MacDonalds and eating it there.  I think that would make me sick...or more sick.
4. I have still not decided on quitting Thirty-One or Carmel.  I think my decision is getting more clear on Thirty-One, but I want to make sure before I say anything.  
5. I had a GREAT day on Tuesday.  Seriously...it was a pretty awesome day.  We got school and chores done.  I made pancakes for breakfast AND cleaned it all up.  (Kevin normally ends up cleaning up my messes in the kitchen)  It was a beautiful day, so the kids and I spent the afternoon at the park, hence the monkey bars videos.  And I ended the day at the gym with my two favorite classes.  The kids had good days too which always helps.  I'm grateful that I was so aware of my good day that I could shoot little thank you notes to God all day long.
6. I contribute my good days and experiences to my "showing up" for God.  Part of my Carmelite Aspirancy is to read the Liturgy of the Hours every day.  More specifically I'm to do my morning prayers, half hour meditation, and evening prayers.  I have been having trouble with this, so for the past couple weeks, I've been setting my alarm an hour early.  I do my morning prayers, and I was sending a half hour with Jesus, but then my hair happened.  Now I do my morning prayers, spend as much time as I can meditating until I have to do my hair, and then finish up the meditation some other time during the day.  The goal is to do the 30 minutes all at once.  If I didn't hit snooze the first couple times the alarm went off I could do that, but I've been pretty tired.  I'll probably get back to it next week when I'm back to "normal".  It's just helping.  I can't explain it.
7. I'm still workin' the curly hair.  I named it Mufasa, since I look like a lion with it.  In case you don't speak children movies, Mufasa is the lion king in the movie Lion King.  There's a part in the movie where a hyena shutters when the other hyenas say the name Mufasa.  So whenever I say it, Kevin shutters.  It's pretty funny.  I have to wet and scrunch it every morning.  It's annoying.  Then it dries and I put it in a pony tail...still.  I like all the corkscrew curls that come down.  Yes, I actually said I liked something about my hair.  KU-RAZY.  I'm getting used to it and feeling like a weather meter.  If I walk outside and it poofs, it's humid.  One day I'll be able to look back at it and laugh.  Today is just not that day.

Wordless Wednesday

Showing Up

I've been reading a few blogs lately, and they all have a running theme...showing up.  As I was reading a few posts I noticed that it's not something I do often.  I think it has to do with my blasted iPhone.  I remember KJ telling me to get an iPhone.  I told him that I would have no use for it, and I didn't need to check my email and all the other "silly" things it had on it.  I just needed a phone.  He bet me that I would change my mind and be looking at it as much as he looked at his.  Yeah right!

My name is Nora, and I am an iPhone addict.  Part of this has to do with the fact that I can get Pinterest on it.  That's just begging for trouble.  I had already noticed that I'm too attached to my phone before reading the posts and had been making a conscious effort to not have my phone on me as much.  I've noticed that school goes a lot smoother.  ;)

So showing up is being in the present moment which for me, a planner, is REALLY hard.  I'm always two steps ahead of whatever I'm doing at the current time.  At first I thought I wasn't really missing anything.  I told myself that the people who wrote these posts don't have my kids.  I was loving them, noticing them, and getting along just fine.  But once I let their words steep some, I became AWARE.

My first instance of this was when Kaelyn got home one night.  Sometimes she sits in the living room to tell me something and honestly, I'm normally on the computer when she does.  So I pay attention to her, but also to what I'm doing.  I multitask.  What's wrong with that?  I can still HEAR her.  It doesn't matter if I miss a sentence or two, I get the gist of what she's saying.  Right?

This night when Kaelyn came home and sat down, I closed the computer.  I maintained eye contact and LISTENED to one of the funniest stories I've ever heard.  I was aware of how many expressions of mine she has, how we have the exact same sense of humor, how her eyes perfectly match the color of her hair.  I can't tell you if I would've thought the story was that funny if I hadn't shown up, since I would've been looking at the computer screen and not her animation while telling it.  And I got this awesome warm, fuzzy feeling when I went to bed after her story.

Another time, Marley was going to the bathroom for the umpteenth millionth time one evening, and I would normally be impatient and angry because it was past her bedtime...AGAIN.  I was AWARE I was feeling frustrated, so I breathed, and I made a choice.  I started stroking her back and gave her a smile.  We had a nice little chat rather than me standing there blowing out frustrated sighs and making her feel bad for having to potty.  Once I realized that she wasn't doing it on purpose and had no control over the timing of her bladder (and that the world wasn't going to explode because it was now 13 minutes past her bedtime) it wasn't so bad.  I saved myself that stress that I never realized was there before.  And when she looked at me while I was sitting next to her stroking her back, I noticed a twinkle in her eye.  I can't describe it, but it felt like we were SEEING each other for the first time.

The main realization in all of this is that it does go by so fast, and if I'm just now showing up, it hurts to think of what else I've missed.  I feel bad and guilty, but that's another post.  For now, I'm going to keep working here...in the present...doing my ABC's.  When I do I see that I have a pretty great life and this warm fuzzy feeling isn't so bad either.